They say we define ourselves. They say what we believe to be true about us is usually true about us. If we believe we are strong, we become strong. If we believe we are depressed, we become depressed. Only that’s not true.
I never believed that I am a selfish person person. In fact, when asked, I always had a million different ways to prove I’m not a selfish person. But the fact is, I am selfish. When it comes to B that is. I never think about him and what he wants. It’s always what I want to do, where I want to go, when I want to leave, I wanted something and I made it seem like he wasn’t ever thinking about me if I didn’t get it. But in reality, he is always thinking about me. He does everything for me. We almost broke up last night because of this. He said, “you just take me for granted and you think I’ll never leave.” And he’s right. I do take him completely for granted and I never thought he’d leave. He says we’re okay now but I know that if I don’t change…then it will really be over for us.
Selfish & Scared, Miss Anonymous
There is a myth out there that coal can be turned into diamonds. This can happen but the chances are highly unlikely, unless the right circumstances present themselves. So I want to talk about this as a representation of love. There’s that L-word again, it’s brought up so much in today’s society.
I consider what B and I have to be love, why? I’ll explain. See, I’m a total nut job. I know, it’s hard to believe right? 😉 But B is too, in a different way though. The reason we got together and are lasting is because we know how to put up with each other. We know how to talk to each other, when not to talk to each other, and what to say. We know when eggshells need to be walked on and we know when we can just erupt like a volcano. We know each other so well. And that’s love.
When I was little, I always wanted a prince, but B isn’t a prince, he’s a diamond. See, after almost every little girl watches their first Disney princess movie, they start to believe in fairy tales. They start to believe that one day they’ll get a prince. But not every girl needs a prince, some girls need a doctor, or a lawyer, a country man, or an artist, and yes, Kate Middleton…some girls need a prince. Regardless of what that man is specifically, to each girl he is simply, a diamond.
Here’s the point I’m setting up. A diamond is a true love. Someone who will put up with all your flaws. And I say that because it’s easy to get along with all the good aspects of yourself, but when you find someone that will get along with the crazy too…he (or she) is a keeper. Now, once you find a diamond, it’s best you keep hold of it. Sure, there is a lot of coal out there and yeah, maybe one day that coal will become an even bigger, shinier, better diamond…but at the same time, it may just be coal. Once you have diamond, and he/she is yours, you keep hold of it with your life. Because that’s your diamond. That’s your love. There is always going to be a diamond that “looks” better, and there is always going to be coal that could be better. But what you’ve got is already the real thing. What you’ve got already gets you, already loves you, already knows you. It’s not a soul mate, there’s not just one person out there for you, it could be anyone. Anyone could be your diamond. But once you get one to be your diamond, don’t trade in, or try to trade up. Every diamond is precious and wonderful and you need to love the one you have, because it’s yours.
And sometimes, diamonds get grungy, and dirty, and cloudy. And sometimes we loose what it means to possess a diamond. But all we have to do is put in a little effort and that diamond will shine again, and you’ll remember why you love it, and why it’s yours.
Like they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.
XoXo, Miss Anonymous
L M A O – literally!
So yesterday I made the courageous decision to call v-boy back. I was nervous and…well…let me just tell you what I told my best friend, M via text.
Just wasted fifteen minutes of my life because I decided to actually call [v-boy] back. *insert annoyed looking emoji here* But on the other hand I was remind why it didn’t work out in the first place. *insert thumbs up emoji here* He is the most egotistical, self righteous, better than thou little ass wipe ever. I legit spend 15 minutes of Buffy time to talk to him about how he is so much more “in tune” with the universe. *insert concerned/scared emoji here* Like what the fuck? And I’m 200% positive he was drunk the whole time. *insert -_- emoji here* No change. Almost two years and not one change in his behavior. Makes me laugh so hard because I was actually nervous about what he wanted. *insert laughing and crying laughing emoji here*
Her response, in case you were wondering: Hahahahah!!!!! *8 crying laughing emojis* that’s fucking hilarious.
M, this is why you are my best friend. ❤ I can’t believe I was so freaked the other day when he called. HA! I even had a drink while talking to him (or rather, listening to him talk) because I probably would have shot myself without it. Bad way to end my evening is all I was thinking, then M FaceTimed and it got all better.
I’m happier today, in case you didn’t notice. That call actually made me realize how lucky I am to have B. Even though we have our issues, we always work it out in the end…that’s why we’re strong. That’s why we’re still together.
Sorry this post was so sporadic, it’s just difficult to get my thoughts down right now. 🙂
Yours Truly, Miss Anonymous
So I have another blog on Tumblr. It’s called I’d Rather Be Skinny and, while I hope no one takes offense to it, it’s a blog that track my weight loss, and health change and I post a lot of motivational pics and quotes too. The name isn’t to put anyone down, it’s for me. A lot of people tell me that being chunky (like I am currently) is okay. But I’d rather be skinny, of course, once you look at my blog and read it, I’m doing this is a healthy, get fit way.
If you want to check it out, it’s at www.rather-be-skinny.tumblr.com
Anyway, I met a girl, who is struggle with binge eating (which is an eating disorder) and we talk on kik messenger now. I posted my food story online yesterday, mainly to let my followers know that I struggled for a long time, too. This girl is younger and she get’s so cut down by her parents and while we were talking, I gave her as much advice as I could. She seemed to be relived at the end of our conversation, relieved because she now knows a person who went through it and dealt with and made it and is on the right track to being skinny the healthy way. I met her through an anonymous blog.
I never thought either of my blogs would ever get that much attention. That people may like what I wrote or posted but it would never actually mean anything more. After talking more personally with this young lady, I feel so inspired to keep writing and keep posting and keep working. I feel like my story can actually help others, that my opinions and my writing can have an impact. Who would have thought a diet blog would let me see that? It’s a new day for me.
Today is the day I realize that my writing, our writing, can make a difference.
All my love, Miss Anonymous
There was boy I once believed I loved. Even now I’m still not sure I know what “love” is. This boy was a year and half younger than me. He was so cute. And he like me…me. I was this dorky, soon to be senior in high school. And I remembered the last time a boy liked me, it was in eight grade. And now this really cute, funny, smart boy liked me. David.
It was summer and I had just got my very first cell phone. It was a very exciting time, it was a cool blue slide out phone with a full keyboard and everything. And I had unlimited texting. I thought texting was so cool. I asked for all my friends phone numbers, including David’s (I didn’t know he liked me at that point). A couple of days later, he texts me, out of the blue. I still remember what that text said, My mouth hurts. I was making macaroni and cheese when I got it. I of course replied to find out David had just been at the dentist’s office. After that day, we text messaged from the beginning of the day to my phone curfew of 10 pm, everyday, all summer long. He would pause video games to text me back, I found that out from his friends. Then he told me he liked me. And I told him I liked him, too. Actually, I had never liked a boy as much as I liked David at that point. We continued to text, we sat together in church, hung out as much as we could on Sundays but no one knew we liked each other.
Eventually, we both went to church camp. And that’s where we kissed. My first kiss. It was the second or third night there I believe, my team had just won the giant monkey, they gave it to me to hang onto. I walked to the gazebo alone and sat down. David came and sat next to me. Everyone was going to the sand volleyball court to hang out. We walked through the dark together, but he stopped me at a tree. I put the monkey down and he pressed me up against the tree and kissed me. I had no idea what I was doing, but I liked kissing him. After that we joined the group to hang out.
We ran off in secret a few times to kiss the next couple of days, that’s all we did was kiss. He gave me his sweatshirt, a picture of him, a drawing. I took it all home with me. I really liked this boy. On the last day at camp, he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. It was perfect.
Then, my parents found out. Took my phone. And I had to apologize to all the counselors and pastors at church…including David’s dad. My mom was so mad at me. No one was mad at David though. His parents weren’t, the weren’t even mad at me. They liked me.
Then my parents told me all the trouble David had been in. And how he was the reason his parents moved them to San Antonio in the first place. David had never told me any of that. I felt betrayed and hurt and angry.My parents let me call to talk to him, I told him what I knew. He denied it. I broke up with him. He told me he loved me. The next day (Sunday) I took his sweatshirt and ripped up picture and drawing to church and had my mentor return it to him. I remember thinking how mad I was because I loved him too and he lied to me, and my heart broke.
I forgave him. And I secretly kept in touch with him. And at the football game with our two schools, we were going to meet up, but he didn’t. Slowly I realized who he really was. He wasn’t the boy that used to text me over the summer. He was mean, heartless, and cruel. He had a new girlfriend and rubbed it in my face. He played with my emotions. He changed. And my heart broke all over again.
Now, I realize, he never changed. That was who he always was. He just played a very viscous game, very…very well.
I loved who he pretended to be. But I never loved David.
I never knew David.
And now David is just a memory.
Yours Truly, Miss Anonymous
Love is a funny thing. Just when you think you’ve had enough, just when you’re about to let go and give up…something happens. And suddenly, everything is better. Then you realize just how much you miss him. And in that moment, you know it’s meant to be. You finally know that all the hard work wasn’t for nothing, that it mattered. That you mattered. And that moment IS love. And it’s real.
Love Always, Miss Anonymous