For the longest time, I’ve wanted to get married young and have a family young. Because my mom didn’t live past 29 and I’ve always been scared I’m not gonna live past 29 too. But this is my life. And I’m only 21. I’m not done with school yet. I don’t want to get married yet. Or have kids. I want to live. I want to go out and have fun and have drinks and be with friends and not worry about anything other than “are the bills paid?” and “am I happy?” Because if the answer to both of those is yes then…why do I need more right now. I’m not gonna rush my life. I’m just gonna live it.
Living My Life,
I feel stuck. In the worst way. I’m in this routine of things to do and every day, every week, it’s the same thing…I wish I had a guy in my life that was spontaneous. I wish B liked to shake things up, go on random road trips to weird places, try new things, but he doesn’t…he won’t ever change his routine. Hell, he won’t even stop smoking.
Fucking Over It,
I figured it out.
I figured out what is wrong with me when it comes to sex.
A few weeks ago B read my old journal. The whole thing pretty much. He wanted to know my past. Well, I don’ t like to bring up my past, but I sat down and gave him the lo down on the history of me. And I go to the chapter that I had buried for a long time. I never thought it affected me all that much but thinking about it so clearly and recently made me truly see it.
So, when I was in elementary/middle school, between the ages of nine and twelve, before puberty kicked in for me. My female “step” cousin, who is the same age, liked to play house. But one day, it wasn’t normal house anymore. She wanted to be the daddy and I was supposed to be the mommy. I thought we would just pretend. But she decided to actually kiss me. I didn’t understand it. And I didn’t tell anyone. This was my new family and I didn’t want to get my new mom’s niece in trouble. Then it progressed. She would touch me, make me wear one of her bras and stuff it for “boobs,” she would tell me to dance naked in front of her, and she would rub me down there…I knew it was wrong. I didn’t ever like it. I wanted it to end. But I didn’t know how to tell anyone. To this day the only ones that know are her mom (because she caught us, and blamed me) and now B. That was my first glimpse of sexuality. She eventually got a boyfriend and left me alone and we don’t hardly talk anymore. I still shutter when I think about it. And I suppressed it for so long, I never realized how much it affected me.
I like having sex with B. And I know there’s nothing wrong with it. But I think back to my first sexual experiences with this girl…and it hurts. I never even realized that she took my innocence. V-boy may have taken my virginity but SC (“step” cousin) took my innocence. And now, sex is screwed up in my mind, my body feels right, but my brain says it’s wrong. This whole time I thought it was my upbringing in a Christian household, but it’s not.
SC sexually molested me for at least two years.
I’m sitting here, staring at my keyboard now. Not sure how to finish writing this…I’ve never said it out loud before, much less written it down. But this blog is therapeutic and maybe now that I have…I can actually start healing. One request I have, if you been through this, if this has happened to you, if you can help me deal with this, please email me. My email is on my contact page.
Not Sure Where To Go From Here,
They say we define ourselves. They say what we believe to be true about us is usually true about us. If we believe we are strong, we become strong. If we believe we are depressed, we become depressed. Only that’s not true.
I never believed that I am a selfish person person. In fact, when asked, I always had a million different ways to prove I’m not a selfish person. But the fact is, I am selfish. When it comes to B that is. I never think about him and what he wants. It’s always what I want to do, where I want to go, when I want to leave, I wanted something and I made it seem like he wasn’t ever thinking about me if I didn’t get it. But in reality, he is always thinking about me. He does everything for me. We almost broke up last night because of this. He said, “you just take me for granted and you think I’ll never leave.” And he’s right. I do take him completely for granted and I never thought he’d leave. He says we’re okay now but I know that if I don’t change…then it will really be over for us.
Selfish & Scared, Miss Anonymous
There is a myth out there that coal can be turned into diamonds. This can happen but the chances are highly unlikely, unless the right circumstances present themselves. So I want to talk about this as a representation of love. There’s that L-word again, it’s brought up so much in today’s society.
I consider what B and I have to be love, why? I’ll explain. See, I’m a total nut job. I know, it’s hard to believe right? 😉 But B is too, in a different way though. The reason we got together and are lasting is because we know how to put up with each other. We know how to talk to each other, when not to talk to each other, and what to say. We know when eggshells need to be walked on and we know when we can just erupt like a volcano. We know each other so well. And that’s love.
When I was little, I always wanted a prince, but B isn’t a prince, he’s a diamond. See, after almost every little girl watches their first Disney princess movie, they start to believe in fairy tales. They start to believe that one day they’ll get a prince. But not every girl needs a prince, some girls need a doctor, or a lawyer, a country man, or an artist, and yes, Kate Middleton…some girls need a prince. Regardless of what that man is specifically, to each girl he is simply, a diamond.
Here’s the point I’m setting up. A diamond is a true love. Someone who will put up with all your flaws. And I say that because it’s easy to get along with all the good aspects of yourself, but when you find someone that will get along with the crazy too…he (or she) is a keeper. Now, once you find a diamond, it’s best you keep hold of it. Sure, there is a lot of coal out there and yeah, maybe one day that coal will become an even bigger, shinier, better diamond…but at the same time, it may just be coal. Once you have diamond, and he/she is yours, you keep hold of it with your life. Because that’s your diamond. That’s your love. There is always going to be a diamond that “looks” better, and there is always going to be coal that could be better. But what you’ve got is already the real thing. What you’ve got already gets you, already loves you, already knows you. It’s not a soul mate, there’s not just one person out there for you, it could be anyone. Anyone could be your diamond. But once you get one to be your diamond, don’t trade in, or try to trade up. Every diamond is precious and wonderful and you need to love the one you have, because it’s yours.
And sometimes, diamonds get grungy, and dirty, and cloudy. And sometimes we loose what it means to possess a diamond. But all we have to do is put in a little effort and that diamond will shine again, and you’ll remember why you love it, and why it’s yours.
Like they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.
XoXo, Miss Anonymous
L M A O – literally!
So yesterday I made the courageous decision to call v-boy back. I was nervous and…well…let me just tell you what I told my best friend, M via text.
Just wasted fifteen minutes of my life because I decided to actually call [v-boy] back. *insert annoyed looking emoji here* But on the other hand I was remind why it didn’t work out in the first place. *insert thumbs up emoji here* He is the most egotistical, self righteous, better than thou little ass wipe ever. I legit spend 15 minutes of Buffy time to talk to him about how he is so much more “in tune” with the universe. *insert concerned/scared emoji here* Like what the fuck? And I’m 200% positive he was drunk the whole time. *insert -_- emoji here* No change. Almost two years and not one change in his behavior. Makes me laugh so hard because I was actually nervous about what he wanted. *insert laughing and crying laughing emoji here*
Her response, in case you were wondering: Hahahahah!!!!! *8 crying laughing emojis* that’s fucking hilarious.
M, this is why you are my best friend. ❤ I can’t believe I was so freaked the other day when he called. HA! I even had a drink while talking to him (or rather, listening to him talk) because I probably would have shot myself without it. Bad way to end my evening is all I was thinking, then M FaceTimed and it got all better.
I’m happier today, in case you didn’t notice. That call actually made me realize how lucky I am to have B. Even though we have our issues, we always work it out in the end…that’s why we’re strong. That’s why we’re still together.
Sorry this post was so sporadic, it’s just difficult to get my thoughts down right now. 🙂
Yours Truly, Miss Anonymous