For the longest time, I’ve wanted to get married young and have a family young. Because my mom didn’t live past 29 and I’ve always been scared I’m not gonna live past 29 too. But this is my life. And I’m only 21. I’m not done with school yet. I don’t want to get married yet. Or have kids. I want to live. I want to go out and have fun and have drinks and be with friends and not worry about anything other than “are the bills paid?” and “am I happy?” Because if the answer to both of those is yes then…why do I need more right now. I’m not gonna rush my life. I’m just gonna live it.
Living My Life,
Once upon a time, there was a girl who gave everything she had to other people because she never wanted to be alone. But those people got tired of her. She wasn’t always nice to them. You see, she would work for them and cook for them and clean for them and make nice things for them and even buy nice things for them with the little bit of money she had…but the people wanted this all of the time. And she couldn’t clean and cook and work all of the time. So, some times, she would become very sad and angry at the people for wanting to much from her and not caring about her. When she cried the people got angry, they told her she was too young and did not know how to act. The told her that they sacrificed so much for her to be here, they let her live with them and let her be a part of their family. They took her places so she would not be alone anymore and she should be grateful because they did more for her than anyone and all she did was think about herself.
The girl thought about all this, and she knew how much she needed the people, so she would apologize and vow to better next time…but the next time and the next time, the same thing kept happening. She did not want to leave the people and be alone…but she feared the people were dishonest, she feared they just wanted to use her, but mostly she feared she could never be herself or be happy with the people.
I want to clear up what that means:
Yes, I am a born-again Christian.
Yes, I’ve been saved.
Yes, I’ve been baptized.
Yes, I believe in Jesus Christ, son of God.
Yes, I believed the Bible is true and the events of the Bible happened.
Yes, I believe in the 10 commandments.
Yes, I believe God’s greatest commandments are to love Him and love people.
Yes, I believe God is all-knowing and perfectly loving…as well as just and jealous.
Yes, I believe God created the universe.
Yes, I believe that the events in Revelation will come to be (rapture, tribulation, judgement day, thousand year reign, etc).
No, I do not believe the Bible is rule book for our day and age.
No, I do not force my beliefs on other people.
No, I do not believe being homosexual is wrong or that people are banished to hell for it.
No, I do not believe tattoos are wrong.
No, I do not believe in “saving yourself for marriage.”
No, I do not believe that I am better than anyone else because I am a Christian.
No, I do not believe we are the only intelligent life forms in the universe.
No, I am not perfect. Yes, I sin. I can pray directly to God. I can ask Him for forgiveness when ever I want. I do not need to be read my last rights on my death bed. I don’t believe in purgatory. I believe spiritual warfare IS real, there is a battle between Heaven and Hell for our souls, and the devil, demons and angels are real. I do not have to be perfect. I believe we can still drink alcohol and posses nice things and make good money as long as that does not become the most important thing in our lives.
In a nut shell:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is equally as great, Love your neighbor as yourself.
I love God, I love people, I talk openly about my faith, I pray, I recognize when I’m wrong and ask for forgiveness, I do the best I can and I try to be a good person. I am Christian. But I am also human.
Yours Truly, Miss Anonymous
PS if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
I feel stuck. In the worst way. I’m in this routine of things to do and every day, every week, it’s the same thing…I wish I had a guy in my life that was spontaneous. I wish B liked to shake things up, go on random road trips to weird places, try new things, but he doesn’t…he won’t ever change his routine. Hell, he won’t even stop smoking.
Fucking Over It,
First, I’d like to apologize for not posting in a few days…I was dealing with that whole SC issue and it wasn’t easy.
You know, I spend most of my time doing things for B. Maybe I take him for granted sometimes yes, but it goes both ways. Yesterday and today are prime examples (and it’s only 8 in the morning). During work I set his phone up so he could retrieve our balance information via text. This way he can always find out how much money we have. Thoughtful right? I thought so.
Then, I go to the grocery store and he wants the truck, so I stop what I’m doing and walk all the way to the front of the store to give him the keys to the truck, no complaints. So he says he needs to pick up a few parts, gotcha. I finish grocery shopping and I drop the bags of clothes off at Good Will so he can stop complaining. Then, I go home. When I get home, he’s not there. I call him. No answer. See, I had planned to not only wash the vehicles but also clean them out. So I clean out his and wait. He doesn’t get home until 10 ish so the truck (which is what I drive to work) didn’t get cleaned out. Then he bitches at me for accidentally leaving the windows down on the suburban. I also cleaned that suburban out for you…your welcome.
So that was yesterday…
This morning, he tells me to get him him up at five, so the alarm goes off and he asks if I’m gonna make his lunch (I’m exhausted and want just a few more minutes of sleep but he bitches “you said you were gonna make my lunch.” How old are we? Can you not make your own lunch??) So, I get up and fry some eggs and bacon and put them on toast and make another sandwich and add some snacks and drinks and lay back down for twenty minutes. Then the alarm for 6 am goes off. I nudge him a few times to get up and turn it off, he yells at me. YELLS AT ME???? What the FUCK did I do?! So I get up, slam the door and knock over the fan (he was cold anyway). And I go out to the truck. It’s a MESS. So, I clean the truck out, come in and wake him up. He doesn’t get up. I do my hair and makeup and wake him up, he wants up at seven (he’s supposed to be at work at seven). Fine, whatever. I eat breakfast, make my lunch, and get some clothes out for him. It’s seven, I wake him up. He yells and bitches at me because I got him the wrong clothes. Then he gets his stuff and kisses me and asks, “Are you gonna miss me today?”
He didn’t apologize, he didn’t say thank you. He just bitched, joked and left.
I take second prize for being selfish, I admit that…but B? B has taken first all week.
Going Out Tonight and Fuck Him,
P.S. Pray I don’t fall asleep at work today.
I figured it out.
I figured out what is wrong with me when it comes to sex.
A few weeks ago B read my old journal. The whole thing pretty much. He wanted to know my past. Well, I don’ t like to bring up my past, but I sat down and gave him the lo down on the history of me. And I go to the chapter that I had buried for a long time. I never thought it affected me all that much but thinking about it so clearly and recently made me truly see it.
So, when I was in elementary/middle school, between the ages of nine and twelve, before puberty kicked in for me. My female “step” cousin, who is the same age, liked to play house. But one day, it wasn’t normal house anymore. She wanted to be the daddy and I was supposed to be the mommy. I thought we would just pretend. But she decided to actually kiss me. I didn’t understand it. And I didn’t tell anyone. This was my new family and I didn’t want to get my new mom’s niece in trouble. Then it progressed. She would touch me, make me wear one of her bras and stuff it for “boobs,” she would tell me to dance naked in front of her, and she would rub me down there…I knew it was wrong. I didn’t ever like it. I wanted it to end. But I didn’t know how to tell anyone. To this day the only ones that know are her mom (because she caught us, and blamed me) and now B. That was my first glimpse of sexuality. She eventually got a boyfriend and left me alone and we don’t hardly talk anymore. I still shutter when I think about it. And I suppressed it for so long, I never realized how much it affected me.
I like having sex with B. And I know there’s nothing wrong with it. But I think back to my first sexual experiences with this girl…and it hurts. I never even realized that she took my innocence. V-boy may have taken my virginity but SC (“step” cousin) took my innocence. And now, sex is screwed up in my mind, my body feels right, but my brain says it’s wrong. This whole time I thought it was my upbringing in a Christian household, but it’s not.
SC sexually molested me for at least two years.
I’m sitting here, staring at my keyboard now. Not sure how to finish writing this…I’ve never said it out loud before, much less written it down. But this blog is therapeutic and maybe now that I have…I can actually start healing. One request I have, if you been through this, if this has happened to you, if you can help me deal with this, please email me. My email is on my contact page.
Not Sure Where To Go From Here,
They say we define ourselves. They say what we believe to be true about us is usually true about us. If we believe we are strong, we become strong. If we believe we are depressed, we become depressed. Only that’s not true.
I never believed that I am a selfish person person. In fact, when asked, I always had a million different ways to prove I’m not a selfish person. But the fact is, I am selfish. When it comes to B that is. I never think about him and what he wants. It’s always what I want to do, where I want to go, when I want to leave, I wanted something and I made it seem like he wasn’t ever thinking about me if I didn’t get it. But in reality, he is always thinking about me. He does everything for me. We almost broke up last night because of this. He said, “you just take me for granted and you think I’ll never leave.” And he’s right. I do take him completely for granted and I never thought he’d leave. He says we’re okay now but I know that if I don’t change…then it will really be over for us.
Selfish & Scared, Miss Anonymous