For the longest time, I’ve wanted to get married young and have a family young. Because my mom didn’t live past 29 and I’ve always been scared I’m not gonna live past 29 too. But this is my life. And I’m only 21. I’m not done with school yet. I don’t want to get married yet. Or have kids. I want to live. I want to go out and have fun and have drinks and be with friends and not worry about anything other than “are the bills paid?” and “am I happy?” Because if the answer to both of those is yes then…why do I need more right now. I’m not gonna rush my life. I’m just gonna live it.
Living My Life,
I feel stuck. In the worst way. I’m in this routine of things to do and every day, every week, it’s the same thing…I wish I had a guy in my life that was spontaneous. I wish B liked to shake things up, go on random road trips to weird places, try new things, but he doesn’t…he won’t ever change his routine. Hell, he won’t even stop smoking.
Fucking Over It,
First, I’d like to apologize for not posting in a few days…I was dealing with that whole SC issue and it wasn’t easy.
You know, I spend most of my time doing things for B. Maybe I take him for granted sometimes yes, but it goes both ways. Yesterday and today are prime examples (and it’s only 8 in the morning). During work I set his phone up so he could retrieve our balance information via text. This way he can always find out how much money we have. Thoughtful right? I thought so.
Then, I go to the grocery store and he wants the truck, so I stop what I’m doing and walk all the way to the front of the store to give him the keys to the truck, no complaints. So he says he needs to pick up a few parts, gotcha. I finish grocery shopping and I drop the bags of clothes off at Good Will so he can stop complaining. Then, I go home. When I get home, he’s not there. I call him. No answer. See, I had planned to not only wash the vehicles but also clean them out. So I clean out his and wait. He doesn’t get home until 10 ish so the truck (which is what I drive to work) didn’t get cleaned out. Then he bitches at me for accidentally leaving the windows down on the suburban. I also cleaned that suburban out for you…your welcome.
So that was yesterday…
This morning, he tells me to get him him up at five, so the alarm goes off and he asks if I’m gonna make his lunch (I’m exhausted and want just a few more minutes of sleep but he bitches “you said you were gonna make my lunch.” How old are we? Can you not make your own lunch??) So, I get up and fry some eggs and bacon and put them on toast and make another sandwich and add some snacks and drinks and lay back down for twenty minutes. Then the alarm for 6 am goes off. I nudge him a few times to get up and turn it off, he yells at me. YELLS AT ME???? What the FUCK did I do?! So I get up, slam the door and knock over the fan (he was cold anyway). And I go out to the truck. It’s a MESS. So, I clean the truck out, come in and wake him up. He doesn’t get up. I do my hair and makeup and wake him up, he wants up at seven (he’s supposed to be at work at seven). Fine, whatever. I eat breakfast, make my lunch, and get some clothes out for him. It’s seven, I wake him up. He yells and bitches at me because I got him the wrong clothes. Then he gets his stuff and kisses me and asks, “Are you gonna miss me today?”
He didn’t apologize, he didn’t say thank you. He just bitched, joked and left.
I take second prize for being selfish, I admit that…but B? B has taken first all week.
Going Out Tonight and Fuck Him,
P.S. Pray I don’t fall asleep at work today.
I figured it out.
I figured out what is wrong with me when it comes to sex.
A few weeks ago B read my old journal. The whole thing pretty much. He wanted to know my past. Well, I don’ t like to bring up my past, but I sat down and gave him the lo down on the history of me. And I go to the chapter that I had buried for a long time. I never thought it affected me all that much but thinking about it so clearly and recently made me truly see it.
So, when I was in elementary/middle school, between the ages of nine and twelve, before puberty kicked in for me. My female “step” cousin, who is the same age, liked to play house. But one day, it wasn’t normal house anymore. She wanted to be the daddy and I was supposed to be the mommy. I thought we would just pretend. But she decided to actually kiss me. I didn’t understand it. And I didn’t tell anyone. This was my new family and I didn’t want to get my new mom’s niece in trouble. Then it progressed. She would touch me, make me wear one of her bras and stuff it for “boobs,” she would tell me to dance naked in front of her, and she would rub me down there…I knew it was wrong. I didn’t ever like it. I wanted it to end. But I didn’t know how to tell anyone. To this day the only ones that know are her mom (because she caught us, and blamed me) and now B. That was my first glimpse of sexuality. She eventually got a boyfriend and left me alone and we don’t hardly talk anymore. I still shutter when I think about it. And I suppressed it for so long, I never realized how much it affected me.
I like having sex with B. And I know there’s nothing wrong with it. But I think back to my first sexual experiences with this girl…and it hurts. I never even realized that she took my innocence. V-boy may have taken my virginity but SC (“step” cousin) took my innocence. And now, sex is screwed up in my mind, my body feels right, but my brain says it’s wrong. This whole time I thought it was my upbringing in a Christian household, but it’s not.
SC sexually molested me for at least two years.
I’m sitting here, staring at my keyboard now. Not sure how to finish writing this…I’ve never said it out loud before, much less written it down. But this blog is therapeutic and maybe now that I have…I can actually start healing. One request I have, if you been through this, if this has happened to you, if you can help me deal with this, please email me. My email is on my contact page.
Not Sure Where To Go From Here,
They say we define ourselves. They say what we believe to be true about us is usually true about us. If we believe we are strong, we become strong. If we believe we are depressed, we become depressed. Only that’s not true.
I never believed that I am a selfish person person. In fact, when asked, I always had a million different ways to prove I’m not a selfish person. But the fact is, I am selfish. When it comes to B that is. I never think about him and what he wants. It’s always what I want to do, where I want to go, when I want to leave, I wanted something and I made it seem like he wasn’t ever thinking about me if I didn’t get it. But in reality, he is always thinking about me. He does everything for me. We almost broke up last night because of this. He said, “you just take me for granted and you think I’ll never leave.” And he’s right. I do take him completely for granted and I never thought he’d leave. He says we’re okay now but I know that if I don’t change…then it will really be over for us.
Selfish & Scared, Miss Anonymous
There is a myth out there that coal can be turned into diamonds. This can happen but the chances are highly unlikely, unless the right circumstances present themselves. So I want to talk about this as a representation of love. There’s that L-word again, it’s brought up so much in today’s society.
I consider what B and I have to be love, why? I’ll explain. See, I’m a total nut job. I know, it’s hard to believe right? 😉 But B is too, in a different way though. The reason we got together and are lasting is because we know how to put up with each other. We know how to talk to each other, when not to talk to each other, and what to say. We know when eggshells need to be walked on and we know when we can just erupt like a volcano. We know each other so well. And that’s love.
When I was little, I always wanted a prince, but B isn’t a prince, he’s a diamond. See, after almost every little girl watches their first Disney princess movie, they start to believe in fairy tales. They start to believe that one day they’ll get a prince. But not every girl needs a prince, some girls need a doctor, or a lawyer, a country man, or an artist, and yes, Kate Middleton…some girls need a prince. Regardless of what that man is specifically, to each girl he is simply, a diamond.
Here’s the point I’m setting up. A diamond is a true love. Someone who will put up with all your flaws. And I say that because it’s easy to get along with all the good aspects of yourself, but when you find someone that will get along with the crazy too…he (or she) is a keeper. Now, once you find a diamond, it’s best you keep hold of it. Sure, there is a lot of coal out there and yeah, maybe one day that coal will become an even bigger, shinier, better diamond…but at the same time, it may just be coal. Once you have diamond, and he/she is yours, you keep hold of it with your life. Because that’s your diamond. That’s your love. There is always going to be a diamond that “looks” better, and there is always going to be coal that could be better. But what you’ve got is already the real thing. What you’ve got already gets you, already loves you, already knows you. It’s not a soul mate, there’s not just one person out there for you, it could be anyone. Anyone could be your diamond. But once you get one to be your diamond, don’t trade in, or try to trade up. Every diamond is precious and wonderful and you need to love the one you have, because it’s yours.
And sometimes, diamonds get grungy, and dirty, and cloudy. And sometimes we loose what it means to possess a diamond. But all we have to do is put in a little effort and that diamond will shine again, and you’ll remember why you love it, and why it’s yours.
Like they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.
XoXo, Miss Anonymous
Part 1: Country and Rap
I’ve heard a lot of controversy over the song Accidental Racist by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J, so I finally listened to it myself. And honestly, it wasn’t that bad…until LL Cool J came in. This post isn’t going to be about the meaning of the song though, it’s going to be about the genres mixing together.
You always hear people saying two things, “I hate country music, it’s all about guns and trucks and beer.” or “I hate rap music, it’s all about sex and drugs and money.” Am I right? Well, there’s a reason for that, and I think think this song bringing the two genres together is what really made me see it.
Country artists generally grew up in the country. So what are they going to write about? Country things, owning a truck, shooting guns, workin’ on the ranch, drinkin’ beer, living in small towns, etc. And THAT’S what country music is. It’s not just the sound (though that’s obviously a big part of it), it’s the lyrics, the words are also supposed to be country.
Then you have rappers, who generally are black (not racist, there are white rappers but the majority are black). Most grew up in the “hood” where they had to work hard for their money and where there is a lot of criminal activity. I’m not being racist here, I live in the country and there’s just as much crime there, too, the difference is how it’s publicized (sad but true). So, what do these rappers have to write about? Yes, their lives. And what they grew up around.
So then we ask, well what if a rapper is from the country? Can they rap country style? Well, sure, but how is that gonna turn out? Probably poorly, right LL Cool J? These are definitely music stereotypes, but before we judge the music, ask why the music is the way it is. There is a place where country orginated and it’s probably not downtown Brooklyn. And there is a place where rap originated and it’s probably not Coolville, Ohio. (That was me stereotyping by the way.) These two genres have their own styles and origin and mixing them together or changing them up, I think we’ve all learned, would be a bad thing. Props to Brad and LL for trying though!
What Are Your Thoughts?